A love letter to you? Yes. A love letter to you, from me because I know that angels are real. And you are one of them. I watched my mama today. I watch her all the time and I know sometimes she thinks I am not around, because she cannot see me. But after tonight, I know she will know I am always around, even when she forgets because she is so sad. I watched my mama today and she was having a really hard day. I know this because when she is having hard days, she gets really quiet. I watched her as she struggled to put one foot in front of the other today. I watched her go about her busy day, trying to be productive, but she was consumed with the thoughts of missing me so much, that she couldn’t focus on a thing. She stayed out of the house most of the day and I could tell that she was so tired from not sleeping well anymore. She was so tired and sad today. She cried a lot. I heard the things she was thinking in her head. At one point, she thought she was too sad to go to your concert tonight and thought of giving her ticket to somebody else, who wasn’t so sad. My mama is thankful though, so she was instantly aware of how rude this would be and she did really want to go to your concert. But she also felt like hiding in the hole she wishes she could dig in the back yard of ours and never come out of again. She had one of those moments where she thought to herself, I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. She quickly checked herself back into reality and spent the rest of the next few hours, taking care of my brothers.
She sat down, on the floor of her bedroom. She got out a sharpie and some paper. She cried and she wrote you a letter. She told you things in the letter like who I am, what happened to me, about our love, how nobody is listening to the sad story of childhood cancer. She told you she feels like you are an old soul like me and how we have the same sparkly eyes. She included some pictures of me in her letter to you. She knew you were worthy of hearing my story. Only certain people are. You are one of those people. I helped her make this decision today to write you this letter. She was so tired but I kept buzzing about it in her ear. She listened. She doesn’t listen to other people often, but she always listens to me.
She got to the Jobbing Arena and was still feeling really sad. I think she cried on the drive there but she is really good at wiping away tears now in the dark so nobody notices. She went with her friend, Katie, who I never got the chance to meet, but I love her so much. She takes good care of my mama. They met the up with The Blair girls and their mama. They looked so beautiful. They were all dressed up in Tu Tu’s and my favorite color, purple. My mama’s sadness, started to lift a bit. The girls excitement was infectious. They were so excited to be there and to be meeting you. My mama threw herself into the happiness of those two little girls tonight, even though her tears would not seem to stop. Somedays she can control them. Not today. And not tonight. I wished she could have known that I was right there with her, holding her hand. Her sadness makes her forget this.
Once my mama picked up the tickets she and the girls, waited in line to get into the concert. They were late to meet you for their meet and greet. A wave of panic washed over my mama as she imagined how heartbroken the two girls would be if they had missed you. It ended up being fine and they were greeted by a really nice man who whisked them off to the back area of the concert venue. Your Dad greeted them, introduced himself and took them into your meet and greet room. What a gem. My mama watched the way his eyes lit up as he talked about you. She is able to read people pretty well and it was obvious within the first couple of minutes of meeting him, how much he loves you. My mama thought to herself, “He loves his daughter as much as I love my Ro.” It made her feel peaceful. Your dad spent some time talking to my mama and the girls. He left after a while and they were left alone to wait for you. My mama had her back turned as you walked into the room. She turned around when she heard someone saying, “Maya, Maya, Maya!” Over and over again. She turned around to find you. You were the one calling out her name, rushing towards her at full speed to give her a hug. You embraced her and told her you were so sorry. My mama was stunned to say the least. She thought you had no idea who she was or who I was. You were now standing right in front of her, telling her all sorts of things like how you have been reading her blog for over a year now. How your parents read it. How her heart is broken for all of us. You kept telling her you were sorry, you cried, you told her that I was the most beautiful boy on earth. You told her how much you love the video of me where I tell her I love her. You told her how you had never seen a mother love something so much. My mama was filled with disbelief and shock. She thinks nobody is listening to what she is saying. But then it hit her, as you were telling her how sick you were over the statistics of childhood cancer that she had posted on her blog a few days ago. Holy shit!, she thought to herself. People ARE starting to listen! Taylor Swift just rambled off how she had no idea what the statistics were for childhood cancer, until she read what I wrote! TAYLOR SWIFT!
My mama is funny like that though. Here you are standing in front of her, one of the most famous girls in THE WORLD, and she feels like you are her friend that she has known forever. She didn’t feel nervous. She felt like she was talking to someone who knew me, and really cared. My mama didn’t even try to fight back the tears tonight as she was talking to you. She let you see her pain and her sadness. There were no walls up. She’s not like that with many people. She must have felt like you are a really special girl. I watched how gracious you were with your time. I watched as you had this huge concert to perform, but it seemed as thought you were only concerned about my story and the story of these other really sick kids who my mama told you she has to fight for, for the rest of her life. I watched the way you talked about me with such passion and sadness. My mama saw it too. My mama listened as you told her how you go to hospitals and visit the Oncology floor. She was so thankful. She knows you know how something so little like that, means the world to all of those kids, who deserve to have a world, but don’t anymore. Their world is the hospital, “ass-poles,” yucky medicine, weak legs, lots of pokies, upset stomaches, bald heads, pain, discomfort, no fresh air, and being trapped inside like they are zoo animals. You are the ray of sunshine that those kids need. You were the ray of sunshine my mama needed tonight. Thank you for giving her a break from her sadness and making her smile for a few hours.
I watched my mama at your concert. I watched the as she took little Elizabeth Blaire who was all decked out in her Tu Tu and held her for hours while they watched you perform in the Pit. I watched as my mama kissed her bald head several times. I watched as the people stared because they were too shocked and sad to look away. Because nobody thinks kids get cancer. But they do. And sometimes they die from it. And they shouldn’t. I watched as my mama spent most of your concert, with tears in her eyes. Out of both sadness and happiness. The sadness of missing me, but the happiness of feeling that I am really always around. I watched as she was taken back to our time together on earth when I was sick and here and how much she loved taking care of me. She never cared if I was sick. She never got tired of taking care of me. It was her favorite thing to do in the world. It was our magical time together and we fought so hard so we wouldn’t ever have to be apart. But somebody else had a different plan. A plan that involves me not being here anymore. A plan that involves my mama missing me so much, that she will stop at nothing until people start to listen so that maybe one day, another mama won’t have to feel her pain. I know she thinks she owes this to me, to carry on my name…. but I owe this to her too. She deserves to feel happiness again. She deserves to know that even though I am not here, we can still change things together. She believes in our love so much that I know she knows great things are going to start happening. They already are. This was obvious to her tonight. The world is slowly changing because of our love. You proved this to her in such a big way tonight. Thank you for that.
Thank you, Taylor Swift for being such an old soul. Thank you reminding my mama of so many things tonight. How the power of a dream, really can change the world. As long as it is a dream fueled by love, passion, strength, determination, pain, and a bit of “spiciness.” Those are the kind of dreams that move mountains. Those are the kinds of dreams that do change the world. Thank you for being a girl, who never gave up on her dreams and who is watching them all come true. My mama’s dream is me. My mama’s dream is for everyone to know our love story, so Childhood Cancer gets the awareness it deserves. So that kids start getting better treatments and survive things like Neuroblastoma. My mama’s dream is for people to start just being better people in general because they know what is truly important in life. My mama’s dream is for everybody to follow that little list that she wrote, “How to Live like a Rockstar.” My mama’s dream is to live her life, the way I would have lived mine. I need my mama to start to heal, so she can fulfill what she is here to do. I felt a piece of her heal tonight, thanks to you and making her aware that so many people are listening. People like you, who are bigger than life and who could easily turn the other way to ignore our story. But you’re not. You didn’t. You know our story deserves to be heard and acknowledged. You took such a little thing tonight, by looking into my mama’s eyes, and telling her how sorry you were, that I died. Those two things mean everything to my mama. The simplest acts of kindness, compassion and honesty. If only our world were filled with more people like you, sweet Taylor Swift. I can guarantee it would be a much better place full of sparkles everywhere.
G’nite Miss Taylor. G’nite my mama. I hope you know I am safe. I love you to the moon and back. Sweet dreams.